Why is it that I can know I need to get x things done in y time, but self sabotage myself just enough to make sure that it just doesn't happen? What is this need I have to flagellate myself for things not done? Is this masochism? Some innate belief that I just don't deserve a clean house, or a tidy desk, or to be on time, or what have you? Or am I just lazy?
It's too easy to excuse myself with a shrug and an "oh, ADD, you got me again!"
I want my life to be more than just lived. I want to know that at the end of the day I have done more than gotten the high score on whatever visual salt lick has me in it's grasp at the moment. I want to be proud of myself for the things I have accomplished, the infrastructures I have in place, the pieces of paper I HAVE'NT lost this time, the accounts paid in full, the appointments not missed. I want to be a functioning adult. I understand that sometimes these things just happen, and the stocks and flogging may not be necessary every time. But gawd almighty, I am looking at four days on my own and a looming New Year's Eve party that I am looking forward to having, and welcome. So why am I sitting here lolling in cyberspace, when there are things to do, lists to make, toilets to swish and swipe?
Could it simply that cleaning the house is just too effing boring? wah wah wah. Be glad you have a house to clean and pick it up already. Could I maybe just once shut off the eternal soundtrack of my less than spotless mind and not berate myself for the mess existing in the first place, but instead hurrah myself over each room that I conquer? That would be a nice change.
How's about I attempt to welcome in 2011 with a new soundtrack. That might be the best house cleaning maneuver of all!
Where did I leave the mental floss?