Wednesday, February 29, 2012

four poster, dull torpor, pulling downwards.

So. I have been silent for a while here, haven't I?

And I don't really know what to say now. Something like a dark cloud seems to have me. Not a dark cloud, not really. But not a sunny one either. It feels like a lot to call this "depression" but maybe....if I am being honest....

Friday I came home from work, sat down on the couch, and barely moved for nine hours. NINE hours, people. Watched movies, made food, peed, but really, little else. The weight is ballooning, the exercise rate is down to zero - ZERO - and I am basically in "have to" mode. I make myself get up and go to work, even though my brain is screeching at me to call in! use those sick hours! just stay here where it is warm and cozy and safe!

Not safe. Not at all. I know if I call in, just one day, if I let myself fall into that black hole, I will never get out. Or at least not for a long time. And I have people who depend on me. Precious, adorable, wonderful people who need me to get up every day. Blackness, you stay over there. I mean it.  You are tempting, but I will NEVER let you in near my children. Ever.

I am stronger than you. I am stronger than this. I just can't seem to get off the couch.