Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Out, OUT, damn thought

Geesh, where is Stewart Smalley when I need him?

Getting control over the finances is getting easier by the day. Getting control over the housework is just a matter of self-discipline and time management (thanks, Concerta!). Getting control over the monkey mind chatter in my head is proving the hardest slog of all. The same soundtrack has been running in there for DECADES. The Greek chorus knows the tunes by heart, and sings them all day long.

"No one else has a house as gross as yours!"
"If people really knew what you thought, they would not go NEAR you!"
"You don't need something else to fail at."
"If we had been boys, he never would have left"
"You are just not good enough"
"You are just not good enough"
"Everyone else can do this - what is WRONG WITH YOU?"
"You should not be doing x, you should be doing y"
repeat x 40 years or so

Hateful little tune, isn't it? I used to spend a lot of time blaming the people who said those things to me in the first place, but aye, here's the rub - who decided they were right? Who decided the things they said deserved to be remembered and added to the soundtrack in the first place?

Me. That's who. So there is no point in assigning blame, or being angry at the people who said those things to me. I am the one who gave them credence, and a place to stick their words. That being said, if I started the soundtrack, surely I can be the one to shut it off? In theory, this must be correct. In practice, it's nigh on impossible. But I try.

Awareness is an important first step, and one that is at least improving. When I catch myself beating myself bloody over something, I do push the pause button now, and I do change the soundtrack. And it *is* helping, albeit slowly. I don't know why people have said such harsh things to me. But I know that I don't have to listen to them for one more second.

God bless my pastor, who gave SUCH a wonderful and helpful sermon this weekend. God does love me. He CHOSE me. He is the one I should listen to, turn to, focus on. And that has entered the soundtrack too. Or at least I am trying. And I believe God grades on the curve.

What will it be like, when my monkey mind does learn a new song? I look forward to that day. I really do. It's not about shutting anyone up, or getting back at those who told me I couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't. It is all about me. This is totally about me learning to sit with myself, to accept goodness, search for joy, and gratefully take it all in.

I quote the Waifs: "Take it in, take it all in. This is a day that will not come again. Take it in, take it all in. This is the day, and it's here for the living."

1 comment:

  1. My sister, you are a beautiful creature made in the image of God. Don't you let the monkeys talk you out of that!