Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Epic fail at failing

Everyone says I am too hard on myself. Everyone. For years now. Have I tried to fix it? Can't really say. I suppose I try to give myself a break now and then, but to be honest, I don't feel that I push myself that hard. If you saw my house, you would know what I mean....I think its more the case that I ream myself over everything I do wrong, and don't forgive myself for much.

Example: walked out of the house last night and was greeted by a flat tire on the car. Whee. Things like that are SUCH an interruption, aren't they? But really, I was quite lucky - I was home, everyone that needed to be somewhere was there, First let me borrow his car to drive Third to her game, and on the whole, no harm, no foul.

I didn't even address it last night. Have the day off, so I figured I would get around to changing it and then drive over to the dealership later today and get it straightened out. I was so stuck on the idea that I was going. to. put. the. spare. on. myself. Except that -- I couldn't. Could NOT get that stoopid locked bolt thing to turn, even the slightest bit. So I had to call AAA in the end anyway. And the guy changed it in two seconds, and life went on.

Here's how the Greek chorus in my head sounded:

I am woman, hear me roar!
God, please help me do this....I need to stand on my own two feet...
Of course you can't do this! You are a pathetic cartoon, call AAA already, like you are supposed to
I don't have any money to tip the guy, and he is going to hate me
Call AAA already, of course YOU can't change a tire!
The AAA guy is going to laugh when he sees how I tried to do it
Everyone is going to laugh at you - you suck at this. If you weren't such a fat, out of shape, goofball, it would be done by now.
Call AAA

I called AAA. And seeing it now, written out, I am getting a hint at why people might say I am rather hard on myself. I think the biggest question is why I hesitated calling AAA in the first place. I paid for the service, why not use it? Why did I want to do it myself so badly? Why do I think there is some inherent cool factor in doing stuff like this myself?

And why do I allow that Greek chorus to go on striping me? I wish I knew how to shut them off. It's like a double bind now. I hate how I feel when I listen to them, and I hate myself more because I put them there and have yet to figure out how to shut them off.


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