Saturday, December 31, 2011

I wish you a peace-filled 2012

The end of the year is such a time for ruminations, isn't it? I looked over statuses, mused over letters written and received, looked around my home, looked through photos of the kids, mused as I flipped through pages of a journal I keep where I don't write so much as draw, and all in all, I felt pretty good.

2011 and I were mostly friends, I think. I see the progress I have made this year and I am happy. Each of my children hit major high points in this past year and like mothers everywhere I feel cheered when they are cheered. I am so proud of US, as a family, and as I think over my last post I realize that maybe I have not been so alone, after all.

I am not one for resolutions, not so much. I think I believe more in absolution. "In 2012 I will no longer beat myself up for the following...." I have thought long and hard over this one, and my center self, the one I am learning to listen to and regard more and more, seems to be yearning for PEACE. Peace.

Peace in my home environment - keep on with the major over haul decluttering we have been doing, and gain control over the house, in hopes that a quieter, more organized living space can aid in creating a quieter, more organized mind inside me.

Peace in my family. I know children will always have their squabbles, but I would like to somehow reduce the simmering teenage hostility that seems to be always lurking.

Peace in my heart - to see Mr. Hate without much of a twinge would be so lovely. And maybe, even, find a new cause for palpitations in 2012 when I see someone new?

Peace in my body, peace with food - it's about choices, time, and intent. I have the ability to do better, and I need to focus on that.

Peace in my soul - a better prayer life, more time to just be still, more time to dream. Who wouldn't want that?

And finally, I will strive in 2012 to make peace with my finances. I have danced around it long enough. What an amazing feeling of relief would I have at the end of 2012 with that cursed monkey debt of my back at last?

So not resolutions, exactly, but nice thoughts. I strive for peace. Released from the crushing sorrow of the divorce, which seems to abate every day, I think maybe I could really make progress in these areas this year.

Peace to you all, my dear ones.

PS - assuming the Mayans were wrong, of course! :)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

WE wish you a Merry Christmas....

WE, WE, WE wish you a Merry Christmas! WE seems to be everywhere, hitting me right in the heart.

Funny, but last year it didn't bother me so much, but this year, I am getting we'ed all over, and it smarts.

Little things - Mr. Hate on the phone, discussing shopping plans - "not sure where WE are going..."

A man in church, up at the altar rail. Puts his hand on his wife's shoulder, whispers in her ear, they laugh.

"WE are going to my mom's for Christmas"
"WE always go to Lasallette...."
" WE do this secret thing for the kids..."

Christmas card photos showing families in fun outifts by the tree.
Happy families shopping, men and women holding hands at the pagaents, driving in cars as a family.
I miss that.

All around me are people who are dating again. Everyone tells me I should. I should. Should I? I am lonely. I would like to have love in my life again.

But I am terrified too. The last time I went on a date I was 24 years old. The women at my office go on dates and regale me with tales of absolute horror shows and losers that cheat, lie,steal, enough to keep me locked at home for the next 20 years. ugh.

Why would I want to do that? Just so "we" could wish you a Merry Christmas?

No, of course not. Not just that. I want to feel a hand on my shoulder. I want someone to smile that smile at me. I want to have someone to ride in a car with. To talk to. To be ME with.

For now, I wish ME a Merry Christmas!