Thursday, December 9, 2010

The thing about dark nights....

Is that eventually they pass. And thank GOD for that. It's been a hard week, with so many emotions I ran out of emoticons by Sunday. Can it really only be a week I have known the real truth? "Running the gamut" is an excellent phrase, btdubs. I feel exactly as if I have run a very, very long way. My lungs are literally sore, I feel spent and yet somehow charged that I have run so far.

People are amazingly kind. Seriously. Remind me of that on my "people suck" days. Because Anne Frank was totally, completely, and amazingly prescient when she noted that people are intrinsically good, deep down at the cellular level. Not many people know what has been going on with me, and I have fought my natural instinct to crow from roofs (it's the hair, I am descended from a long line of Scottish roosters), and kept pretty much my own counsel on this one. Well, I mean, other than the fact that I am discussing it here....LOL. Anyway. The people who do know have been incredibly kind. So much love is out there for me. Just when I thought I should just hang it up, that love was meant for some people, but that the Universe was trying to explain to me that the music had stopped and I had no chair. Love is not for me, I thought.

But there is love for me out there. I don't know if it will be the romantic kind, but oh, there is love in the world. And there is love in me. *I* always told the truth in my marriage, a fact that has been of huge solace to me this week. I am capable of great love. I can even imagine a future now where I am friendly, open and welcoming to Mr. Hate and Roomie, even if they are not. I have never met Roomie, but I will be nothing but excellent when I do. I need to be more than excellent from now on, and not for their benefit, but for my own. I am setting an example here that three very, very important people are watching, and I need them to see what real love looks like. So I need to up my game and get it together, because it matters more now than it ever has. His being completely unhealthy means that he will probably not respond in any sort of kind, but that does not excuse me. He spent last week dragging Roomie around Ireland, leaving a trail of lies that is still hanging over the air there, singeing the tops of the shamrocks. It is HARD not to confront him on them, especially as he seems to be telling lies that are not even worth the telling - like who hired a lawyer first, and who was responsible for dragging the divorce out so long. I have to wonder, when he tells such outrageous whoppers, does he even know they are lies, or does he actually believe the bullshit he slings? I am curious in an almost scientific observer way. How can he rewrite the truth so often and so far from center? Where does that come from? What does he actually believe? It is most peculiar. I need to get Scientific American or at least Alan Alda on this one.....remind me to google the science of lying. I could win the Nobel, write the definitive work, oops, the ADD has got my monkey mind, where was I?

Excellent. That's it. Excellent.

Going forward I am going to be as excellent as I can, and he won't respond in a healthy way, because he cannot respond in a healthy way, and I would be lying if I didn't admit that parts of me know my being normal and healthy and excellent will chap his ass raw and the schadenfreude is delicious (and a spelling WIN). But when it's all said and done, what will people remember? What will I remember? Karma is real, and he should be TERRIFIED.

In some strange way it's easier that he is a homosexual. The burden of failure is heavy to carry, and he did, and continues to, load as much of that burden on me as he can. But really, there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING I could have done to save our marriage. I just don't have that one thing he is looking for..... And putting that burden down is a huge relief. The fact that I accepted so much of it and carried it for so long is subject for much reflection, and a whole 'nother post.

What I need to do is pace myself. I am almost giddy with relief, and giddy can make a girl do some funky stuff. I need to take this slowly, acknowledging that grief will still back up on me from time to time, and I should not rush this. I imagine all sorts of Meryl Streep worthy moments where I appear on their doorstep with a big smile (and sometimes a plant, other times baked goods) and greet Roomie warmly. Um....ya. Maybe not this week. But I would like to meet him, someday. He spends a lot of time with my children, and it looks like he is here for a while, so we need to get acquainted. I want Mr. Hate to live in truth, and if Roomie is his truth then amen to the both of them, and could you do me a favor and stop lying? Ta.

If you were one of the people who answered the phone when I was crying this week, God bless you, and know that it meant everything to me. I am not finished with this, but sometimes a week is a lot more than seven days, and I do feel better, at least in this moment.

There is love for me in the world, and I have so much love in me. And truth. Lots and lots of truth.

1 comment:

  1. I have hauled them around for years at a time, and life has taught me that no one is strong enough to carry a grudge. That's easy to say, but hard to do. You are right, grief does take time, but the people who love you will help you. They're the ones who will be there to help you as you struggle back toward excellence, and they will celebrate with you when you are finally strong enough to lay your burden down. Thanks for sharing the journey.