Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Oh, I am struggling with anger today! Red-faced, bile in my spleen anger. Where to put it? I know everything you know about anger. I am the one carrying the boiling pot in my bare hands, twisting in the wind, suffering the effects of the stomach acid. I KNOW. And yet I seethe on.

How DO you just put anger down? Is it enough to throw six trays of ice in the tub, punch and kick at the wii fit screen until exhausted, cry, scream, what??? When is it really gone? It seems to me that anger is rather an endless pool. Just when I think I have fumed all I can, a fresh wave descends.

Certainly I know the balm of the tincture of time....things that enraged me in high school, say, don't bother me at all now. But there are other things. Oh, yes there are. Things that ALWAYS push my buttons, make me furious. What to do with those? Examine the button - check. Come up with strategies - check. Use force when necessary - check. Self-care - check.

Perhaps my entire supposition here is off: surely anger will occur in life, and perhaps it is best to just feel it when it happens, without hurting innocent bystanders, of course, and then step away. I think maybe it's the "step away" that I am struggling with, isn't it?

Still, right now I would LOVE to wreak actual, painful, hideous revenge on someone. Make them CRAWL. Ugh. Hardly the peace-loving demeanor I strive for. What do you know? My seamy underbelly revealed in all it's horrid splendor. I want the universe to make damn sure that he feels the pain he is visiting on others. FEELS IT. Gross.

I don't want this. I want to forgive, to be able to move on. But I have to admit, right now, if I had some magic powers at my disposal, the shit would be raining down on him so hard, he would need a hat. A big one.

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