Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Just blah

Now is the winter of my.....discontent? No, that would require energy. Just in the dullest of doldrums lately. Ice everywhere, colder than a penguins' toes out there, and just generally not feeling the love this week.

I am not sure what is up, because good things are happening around here. Second cried her eyes out all weekend, but rallied around and has been quite lovely lately. Third has matured visibly in the past couple of weeks, and things that used to send her screaming seem to not even merit an eye roll. First is always good for something interesting, and of course there has been dramz in that corner, because there always is, but for the most part it's manageable. So what gives?

I just don't seem to have much energy, and I canNOT stop stuffing my pie hole. Several friends report similar afflictions, so it may just be a mammalian response to winter. Hibernating sounds WICKED good right about now!

Little things that don't usually bug me have been really getting at me, lately. Example: there was some confusion over the start of the swim meet this week, so a bunch of us parents ended up standing around outside of the pool. And not ONE parent made the slightest effort to speak to me, in any capacity. Even the mom of the other diver stood there chatting away with the diving coach, not two feet from where I was standing, and they all but turned their backs to me, so insignificant am I. Please, understand -- I am not saying I expected to be the center of attention, but it would have been nice to have been included in at least one group of parents. Instead I stood there off to the side, smiling like a fool lest anyone think I looked awkward (and as a result I looked COMPLETELY bare-ass awkward). Normally this kind of thing would not throw me as much, and I would just saunter over and join in a conversation, or at least stand and listen. But this weekend it was just somehow beyond me.

I wonder about the kind of energy I project when I get like this. I wonder if other people can somehow tell I am in a funk, and it repels people when I most long for connection. Can't you just smell desperation? Awful, isn't it?

Vacuuming! That would shake things up. More decluttering! Walk the dogs! No, scratch THAT one, it's 6 degrees outside.....I have been exercising, and doing yoga, taking the Vitamin D, and writing in my journal, and all those things I should be doing. I did feel some moments of real joy during hymn singing in church this weekend, and I was happy to feel how far I have come since this time last year.

But on the whole? Blah.

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