Saturday, September 3, 2011

About a boy....2

So, um....hey. I know, it's been a looong time since I posted anything. Busy working, Second dropped my laptop and it broke, busy busy, yadda yadda.

Forgive me. I need to talk today.

I brought First to college today. Settled him in, spent time, set him up, went to the meet and greets....and then drove away. Tears pouring down, heart breaking, soul singing.

He is going to LOVE his school. Seriously. Like watching the Bee Girl find her field, First has arrived where they speak his language, see how he sees, feel what he feels. He will be happy with his own kind.

But. Oh, BUT. But once upon a time, *I* was his kind. I was his star, he was my planet. Bedtimes stories, private jokes, ritual songs before sleeps. I was his Alpha, and he was my world. And how quickly that time went. How far away, how almost forgotten under the rush of it all those long-ago nights seem now. How lucky I was to have them at all. That boy of mine! How I love him. I love all my children, don't ever doubt that. But it would taste a lie to not admit that the first one, my First, holds a different place in my heart. He made me a mother, you see, and whilst that will never change, my role in his life will.

From Manager to Consultant, and one on call, at that.I hope he wants me in his life. I hope that I have earned his trust, and that he misses me too. And his hard-earned glories will be all his own now. Faculty members, TAs and mentors will get the most deserved thanks now, and I will be thankful to them too -- I will! (As long as he remembers to add "and thanks to my mom" or some such courtesy nod to my presence. Sad, innit?) They will have taught him to sing in the language he stutters in now. He will thrive under their attentions, and he will strive for their praise as ardently as he once strove for mine (and if one of THEM ever hangs your art on THEIR fridge and shows it to all THEIR friends you be sure to let me know - so there!). I really do wish him well, and I really am glad that he is so happy and so very much at home in his new dorm.

How I wish mine didn't feel quite so empty, with him gone......

Please, First, fly now. Find your excellence, find all that is within you, find your absolute TRUTH. Please, find your bliss, find it and come back and share it with me. Not because you feel bound to, not because I can't live without you, not because of obligation, guilt, duty, none of that. Share it with me because you want to. Because it's funnier when we laugh together. Because you want me to know your new language too. Fly past me, but please don't fly beyond me.

I know I tell you all the time, but oh, my dear First. How I love you so.


  1. You have been in my thoughts much these past few days. My little First is about to head to kindergarten, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stand even that, so I can only imagine the mix of emotions that you are feeling. Someone told me that parenthood is about learning to let go, again and again and again. Be proud of your amazing son -and of yourself, his amazing mother. xxoo