Saturday, March 19, 2011

None are so holy that they cannot be holier, none so devout that they ought not to be more so. Who is there, living in the uncertainty of this life, who is either immune to temptation or free from blame? Adversity harms us and prosperity corrupts us, and it is not less dangerous to lack what is desired than to be full of what is granted. There are snares in the abundance of wealth, there are snares in the distress of poverty; the former raises us to pride, the latter goads us into complaint. There is a trap in security, and a trap in fear, and it makes no difference whether the mind held by affections for earth is occupied by joys or cares, since the sickness is the same whether one is weakening under empty luxuries or suffering under anxious care.
from sermon 49 of Leo the Great (February 21, 443)

My Pastor, who is a great, great lady, sent out the above as part of a Lenten devotional series she put together. I have to admit, I really struggled with the grammar and the content here, especially that weird "not less dangerous" part. But I parsed it and read it and got there in the end. Lots of heady stuff.

I have definitely been full of the white whine lately. Even though right now I am in a period of skinny cows, I realize, as I read this, that I am still surrounded by cows that are fatter than 80% of the world, and I should be a LOT more grateful than I have been. I realize that I spend so much time railing against Mr. Hate for leaving us so poor, and not enough time thanking God for the things I do have. A shift in my energies in this direction is certainly required. My longer-divorced friends tell me that eventually I will not even raise an eyebrow when I hear news of the ex. What a relief that will be! For now he still has the power to get under my skin, and I am tired, oh so unbelievably tired, of him, and his lies and his drama, and their effect on me. Enough now, enough! A mind set of gratitude, forward thinking, and joy will be so much more productive and just.....better.

And yes, there is a trap in security. A big one. I lure myself into believing all the anxieties I have keep me "safe" and I guess in some ways they do, but they also keep me hidden. I don't take chances like I used to, I don't run at life the way I used to, and I never audition anymore. What happened to the girl who would have SLEPT on stage given a chance, and desperately waited for the Phoenix to come out every week so she could read the auditions list? Theatre has been a huge part of my life since I arrived on this earth, and I have left it neglected for years now, because I grew too afraid to be on stage. How sad.

There is work to be done. Sigh. And....I'm off!

1 comment:

  1. Believe me, it's never too late to go back to the stage. There's no place like home. And you might be surprised at how much better an actor you are now than we were back in the days when we knew everything... Peace