One small step for womankind....

I paid my house taxes today! And I think the woman in the assessor's office suspects I am altered, because I had such a big smile on my face as I did it. But here's the thing -- **I** paid the taxes on my house today. I was looking over my pay check stubs from my job, and I realized that the amount I made last year pretty much completely covered the tax bill. I had said, back when I was looking for work, "oh, if only I could make enough to cover the taxes!" and then - I did!

Now I know what you are thinking, and I am thinking it too. Going forward, I absolutely need to make more money -- and I will. The financial burden of being on my own and the gap between what Mr. Hate SHOULD have given me and what he was ORDERED to give me is huge. I know this. I have a lot to learn about money, budgeting, bill-paying, and life. I know I do. And I will. Friends have suggested very good books (Your Money or Your Life, The Worth of a Woman, etc.) and I have faithfully taken people's advice (and taken in sewing) and set up spreadsheets and organization systems, etc. I could be doing more, because I could ALWAYS be doing more, but at least I am doing something, which is more than I usually do.

But I am not focusing on that today. Today, I am feeling proud. Today I am choosing to celebrate that after 15 years of being at home with my children and just working now and then, I am a working mom. I am getting it done, at least at some level. We are far from flush, and in a lot of ways we are juuuuuust at the poverty level, but I am getting it done.

I paid my taxes today. It's one small leap for Womankind. I look forward to the journey to come.

Just blah

Now is the winter of my.....discontent? No, that would require energy. Just in the dullest of doldrums lately. Ice everywhere, colder than a penguins' toes out there, and just generally not feeling the love this week.

I am not sure what is up, because good things are happening around here. Second cried her eyes out all weekend, but rallied around and has been quite lovely lately. Third has matured visibly in the past couple of weeks, and things that used to send her screaming seem to not even merit an eye roll. First is always good for something interesting, and of course there has been dramz in that corner, because there always is, but for the most part it's manageable. So what gives?

I just don't seem to have much energy, and I canNOT stop stuffing my pie hole. Several friends report similar afflictions, so it may just be a mammalian response to winter. Hibernating sounds WICKED good right about now!

Little things that don't usually bug me have been really getting at me, lately. Example: there was some confusion over the start of the swim meet this week, so a bunch of us parents ended up standing around outside of the pool. And not ONE parent made the slightest effort to speak to me, in any capacity. Even the mom of the other diver stood there chatting away with the diving coach, not two feet from where I was standing, and they all but turned their backs to me, so insignificant am I. Please, understand -- I am not saying I expected to be the center of attention, but it would have been nice to have been included in at least one group of parents. Instead I stood there off to the side, smiling like a fool lest anyone think I looked awkward (and as a result I looked COMPLETELY bare-ass awkward). Normally this kind of thing would not throw me as much, and I would just saunter over and join in a conversation, or at least stand and listen. But this weekend it was just somehow beyond me.

I wonder about the kind of energy I project when I get like this. I wonder if other people can somehow tell I am in a funk, and it repels people when I most long for connection. Can't you just smell desperation? Awful, isn't it?

Vacuuming! That would shake things up. More decluttering! Walk the dogs! No, scratch THAT one, it's 6 degrees outside.....I have been exercising, and doing yoga, taking the Vitamin D, and writing in my journal, and all those things I should be doing. I did feel some moments of real joy during hymn singing in church this weekend, and I was happy to feel how far I have come since this time last year.

But on the whole? Blah.

About a boy

Oh.....someone broke my daughter's heart today. Via TEXT message! What a little douche. At least be a gentleman, and tell her to her beautiful, way-too-good-for-YOU face. But instead the wayward Lothario sent her a text, and it contained the dreaded F word. "I think we should just be friends." UGH! A text, AND a cliche? You, my little man, are not a gentleman.

I know they are young. I know he has no more experience in this stuff than she does. But still - they were going out for over a year, which in high school terms is at least one reincarnation with the same mate, and he sent a text? Seriously?

She has been crying for three hours. And she just won't let me in. Oh, dear Second, I know this road you walk. And I know that this is your first broken heart, but it won't be the last. And as you get older the stakes will get higher, and it never, never hurts any less. And I am betting that you might break a heart or two yourself. But I am quite sure you won't send a text to do it.

I hate that I can't make this better for her. And I hate that this is just the beginning of a long journey of kissing frogs and longing for unrequited princes, and having the wrong guy profess undying love, and all the rest of it. And I sort of love that it's all beginning for her too. It's kind of exciting, meeting someone new, dating, the dramz.

And it's awful.

But your heart will scar over, baby girl, and you will feel better. But for now, listen to the sad songs, cry through a box full of tissues, and listen to me when I tell you that he is an idiot. You are the prettiest, the nicest, the fiercest, the smartest and the best girl around. And I am not saying this because I am your mother, I am saying it because it's true. You rock. You really, really do.

And he really is an idiot.

Call it already!

Hello 2011!

Wow, I am not a very consistent blogger, am I? All apologies to the five of you who maybe are reading this....

I am SO EXCITED for this new year to begin! 2010 and I were not friends, no way no how. Kicked that one to the curb, and am looking forward.

The biggest issue facing me is getting it all organized. The money, the house, the mind, the job situation. Balance will be crucial, and it's not something I am naturally good at, not even in yoga class, so I feel this as a most keen challenge.

Come to think of it, what am I good at in yoga? Flexibility. Always have been. There is probably something very zen to be said about this, flexibility and balance and the dance between them. Hmmm...

One thing I am woefully too good at is talking. Oh, I can talk (and - ahem - blog) about all my great money-making ideas, this class, that class, this book, that book, this thing, that. What I am not good at is putting things into action efficiently. I bought a domain name and a website host for my coaching business, and a dear friend helped me write content. All I need now is a photo of me, and I am set. Two months I have been waiting to put a photo on there. So my mind gets to say "way to go! You are starting a coaching business! Look at you with the website and the business cards and the postcards from Vistaprint!" but my checkbook knows better. The cards sit on the desk, the postcards sit somewhere else entirely, and I am the only one who has ever seen my website, as it has not launched yet. What is that?

I need more money. Period. And earning more means my life will have to change. Radically. I will have to stop spending my mornings luxuriating on line, and get more work, or write that damn book already, or take the photo, make the phone calls, WHATEVER. I understand so well why the Titanic sank -it was big and hard to turn. And apparently, so am I.

I am going to borrow a page from my dear SARK (www.planetsark.com) and do a micro movement today. Just do SOMETHING and perhaps the inertia will get me going and I can keep going. Because I am a funny little beast - sit me down and it's all I can do to get up again.

Sigh. It's all up to me in 2011. Rats. And - Yeah!