not so.

Here's the thing. When Mr. Hate left, there was a part of me that knew, deep down inside, that the fatherhood thing was going to blow up in his face. He has never been what you would call a "natural" father. When we were together a good portion of my time was spent nudging him in this direction or that, trying to model good parental behavior. "Show your dad your good school paper!" "Kiss the kids goodnight, honey..." "Give her a hug..." His own dad was a lovely man, but never really got the hang of involved parenting. Therefore, Mr. Hate grew up without a dad to emulate when he became a dad himself. When First was a baby, I tried to get Mr. Hate to help out more, and I remember him sort of whinging and saying "I don't know how he worrrrks!"

Cut to nineteen years later. Third was TOTALLY bitching tonight about how she hates -- really hates -- going over her dad's house. She doesn't go for weekends anymore, and she resents the heck out of having to go there for dinners. I asked her, for the 800th time, why she hates going there so much. And I swear to God, she said to me "He doesn't get me. It's like he doesn't even understand how I work!"

And there it is. She now knows, without anyone having to tell her, the truth about her dad. The penny has dropped. He just does NOT get how to be a dad. I used to help him, all the time. I don't now. He still blames me for every single issue he has with the kids, by the way. I am not supportive enough, I am not doing enough to "promote" him to the kids, on and on. Heaven forbid he should consider his OWN behavior!

The thing is, I didn't feel the way I thought I would.

I thought I would feel completely validated. A sense of union with Third, almost....but I did not. I just felt terribly sad. As much as the kids drive me NUTS somedays, they remain the best thing I have ever done, and the people I am so very proud of. I am sorry that he can't figure out how to be in their lives in a positive, loving way. I am sorry that sixteen years of living with them did not help him. I am sorry for them. I am sorry for us all.

I have to go figure out how to be eternal now.....

gosh, that was fun....

"come out with us!" they said.

"it will be fun!" they said.

I bought new jeans. I did my hair. I put on make up. Lots.

I HIT that dance floor, hard. I had two drinks (!!!) which is two more than I have had in months. I basically presented like a mandrill, shaking my booty, dancing the night away.

No one gave a shit. Not one person I smiled at smiled back. No one asked me to dance. So I got very brave (see two drinks, above) and decided I would ask a guy to dance. Went over to ask. Saw his wedding ring.

I am not a thief.

So much for the bar scene, I guess.

Sigh.

four poster, dull torpor, pulling downwards.

So. I have been silent for a while here, haven't I?

And I don't really know what to say now. Something like a dark cloud seems to have me. Not a dark cloud, not really. But not a sunny one either. It feels like a lot to call this "depression" but maybe....if I am being honest....

Friday I came home from work, sat down on the couch, and barely moved for nine hours. NINE hours, people. Watched movies, made food, peed, but really, little else. The weight is ballooning, the exercise rate is down to zero - ZERO - and I am basically in "have to" mode. Every.single.day. I make myself get up and go to work, even though my brain is screeching at me to call in! use those sick hours! just stay here where it is warm and cozy and safe!

Not safe. Not at all. I know if I call in, just one day, if I let myself fall into that black hole, I will never get out. Or at least not for a long time. And I have people who depend on me. Precious, adorable, wonderful people who need me to get up every day. Blackness, you stay over there. I mean it.  You are tempting, but I will NEVER let you in near my children. Ever.

I am stronger than you. I am stronger than this. I just can't seem to get off the couch.

I wish you a peace-filled 2012

The end of the year is such a time for ruminations, isn't it? I looked over statuses, mused over letters written and received, looked around my home, looked through photos of the kids, mused as I flipped through pages of a journal I keep where I don't write so much as draw, and all in all, I felt pretty good.

2011 and I were mostly friends, I think. I see the progress I have made this year and I am happy. Each of my children hit major high points in this past year and like mothers everywhere I feel cheered when they are cheered. I am so proud of US, as a family, and as I think over my last post I realize that maybe I have not been so alone, after all.

I am not one for resolutions, not so much. I think I believe more in absolution. "In 2012 I will no longer beat myself up for the following...." I have thought long and hard over this one, and my center self, the one I am learning to listen to and regard more and more, seems to be yearning for PEACE. Peace.

Peace in my home environment - keep on with the major over haul decluttering we have been doing, and gain control over the house, in hopes that a quieter, more organized living space can aid in creating a quieter, more organized mind inside me.

Peace in my family. I know children will always have their squabbles, but I would like to somehow reduce the simmering teenage hostility that seems to be always lurking.

Peace in my heart - to see Mr. Hate without much of a twinge would be so lovely. And maybe, even, find a new cause for palpitations in 2012 when I see someone new?

Peace in my body, peace with food - it's about choices, time, and intent. I have the ability to do better, and I need to focus on that.

Peace in my soul - a better prayer life, more time to just be still, more time to dream. Who wouldn't want that?

And finally, I will strive in 2012 to make peace with my finances. I have danced around it long enough. What an amazing feeling of relief would I have at the end of 2012 with that cursed monkey debt of my back at last?

So not resolutions, exactly, but nice thoughts. I strive for peace. Released from the crushing sorrow of the divorce, which seems to abate every day, I think maybe I could really make progress in these areas this year.

Peace to you all, my dear ones.

PS - assuming the Mayans were wrong, of course! :)

WE wish you a Merry Christmas....

WE, WE, WE wish you a Merry Christmas! WE seems to be everywhere, hitting me right in the heart.

Funny, but last year it didn't bother me so much, but this year, I am getting we'ed all over, and it smarts.

Little things - Mr. Hate on the phone, discussing shopping plans - "not sure where WE are going..."

A man in church, up at the altar rail. Puts his hand on his wife's shoulder, whispers in her ear, they laugh.

"WE are going to my mom's for Christmas"
"WE always go to Lasallette...."
" WE do this secret thing for the kids..."

Christmas card photos showing families in fun outifts by the tree.
Happy families shopping, men and women holding hands at the pagaents, driving in cars as a family.
I miss that.

All around me are people who are dating again. Everyone tells me I should. I should. Should I? I am lonely. I would like to have love in my life again.

But I am terrified too. The last time I went on a date I was 24 years old. The women at my office go on dates and regale me with tales of absolute horror shows and losers that cheat, lie,steal, enough to keep me locked at home for the next 20 years. ugh.

Why would I want to do that? Just so "we" could wish you a Merry Christmas?

No, of course not. Not just that. I want to feel a hand on my shoulder. I want someone to smile that smile at me. I want to have someone to ride in a car with. To talk to. To be ME with.

For now, I wish ME a Merry Christmas!

Thanks, Ben

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One step forward. And then another one....

Just when I was doing so well. Just when I was starting to breathe. Just a little breath, not a big one.

Tell me, where can I go that he can't hurt me anymore? Where can I go where his toxic fingers won't reach me, freezing me with his illness, his lying, his....slime?

Tell me, Lord, and I will go. I will so gladly go.

Save me, my dearest, most beloved Lord, save me from him and all he ruins. Keep me out of his path of destruction, bullying, hatred.  Keep me safe, and spare the children.

I will go Lord. I promise that I will.
Show me. Save me. Help me.